This is it, I thought, standing in front of a massive set of double entry doors. This is where the trail leads.
Both quest markers were sitting there, tantalizingly close, behind this gigantic doorway. The only problem was that I knew what doorways like this signified. I’d played my share of video games, in my day. I’d also participated in a D&D campaign or two, along the way. The one thing both types of gaming media had in common was this: big entryway doors always, always led to big level bosses. There was a boss sitting behind this door. I knew there was. I mean, I didn’t know, you know? But, I knew.
My heart was racing, feeling like the pounding of orc war drums…which was apropos, I guessed. I pulled my gun out of inventory and checked to make sure it was loaded. I was just stalling at this point. Trying to amp myself up to take that plunge into the unknown. But was it really worth it? To risk confronting a boss this soon? And over what? Some petty squabble with a guy who I technically started the beef with in the first place? The guy was a dick, don’t get me wrong. A massive one. Like…on a scale from mushroom head to elephant trunk, this guy was a goddamn sequoia. But I did plink him with a bullet. A little. On accident. And then he blew it totally out of proportion. But again, I did shoot the guy.
On the other hand, those two quest steps were right there. Just one little push of the door handle and they’re within arm’s reach. The downside of which is that I would also be within arm’s reach of whatever monstrous boss The System had set up for me, here. I shook my head and thought, Fuck it. Maybe there is no boss and it’s actually just a nice little treasure room where I’ll score some neat loot, nab my next quest step and be on my way. But that was never how these things went, was it?
It did remind me, though, that I had a reward waiting for having cleared the first part of my current quest by getting my gun back from Shrek. I decided that now was probably the perfect time to open it, since I may never get another chance…being on the brink of suicidally opening a boss room door and all.
That was actually really good. Quieter footfalls would definitely help me with all the sneaking around I was doing. Plus, Agility was now my second highest stat alongside Strength right behind Moxie. I equipped the boots and noticed immediately that they were quite comfortable. They weren’t exactly New Balance, but I doubted I’d need to worry about blisters or anything. With that, I’d exhausted the last of my procrastination tactics. It was now, or never. I put my hand on the door and pushed it open.
Stepping inside, I was relieved to find that there was no epic OST queuing up in anticipation of a boss battle. Just the quiet flickering of flames in the fireplace. I closed the door behind me as silently as I could manage and skulked along the wall to my left, trying to get the lay of the room. The fireplace was on the far wall. To either side, there were bookshelves filled from floor to ceiling with ancient-looking manuscripts of all types. An enormous chair sat in front of the fireplace, the back of which was crafted from what appeared to be an oversized leatherback shell. A large beast-skin rug sat between the chair and the fire, though I couldn’t tell which sort of creature once wore it.
I took another silent step toward the center of the room and was stopped dead in my tracks by an overwhelming force emanating from whoever was sitting in that chair. I held my hand up to my face, shielding my eyes from the brightness of the aura that flashed furiously and filled the room with its light. A figure arose from the giant chair, its hair swirling up caught in the draft of the aura. The figure turned and looked straight at me. It was the largest, most intimidating, and simultaneously gorgeous orc I had ever seen. She wore a warrior’s garb, with a pauldron made of skulls on her left shoulder and a brutal-looking blade on her hip. It was all I could do to stay upright in the weight and fury of her presence.
She stepped toward me, a silent green monolith of violence and fury. Suddenly, the room felt very small. I was getting claustrophobic in what once appeared to be a great hall of sorts. Still, my Moxie allowed me to stand my ground and analyze the approaching cataclysm with Threat Assessment.
Helpful, I thought, sardonically. But also, whoever heard of an orc named Jasmine, of all things? None of this was helping me. I had to think quickly, because Jasmine – the absolute unit of an orc – was standing right in front of me at this point. At eight feet tall, she towered over me as if I were a child. Her glare felt as though it were piercing my soul, and I realized that she was using something like identify or Threat Assessment on me. Between the pressure of her presence and the weight of impending doom, I felt the same snap that I’d felt back in Henry’s office. Something broke inside me and my inner monologue became vocalized.
“Of course it’s a giant orc goddess. Of course. What a fucking week this has been. First, I get bit by my cat, then I get fired, then I literally DIE. The guy who killed me is also the guy who resurrects me because he’s apparently some all-powerful AI who talks like a bit player in a De Niro movie and now this. Killed by the hottest orc of all time.” I looked up at her, and a wild thought occurred to me. I decided to go for one last ditch Hail Mary attempt at survival. I maintained eye contact as I forcibly pulling myself up to my full height, fighting against the sheer weight of her aura. At the same time, I activated one of the Divine Pheromone vials – the one labelled “Orc,” obviously – from my inventory and prayed to my new god that it worked. There was a small popping sound followed by a sort of tinkling and wished very much that I had time to investigate what it was.
“I mean no offense, of course,” I said to her, “but you are objectively the most attractive orc I’ve ever seen. Believe me. We have orcs where I come from and they don’t look at all like YOU. So I guess…I guess there are worse ways to die.”
I took a step toward her, still gazing into her burning red eyes, brimming with a crackling energy that could vaporize me in an instant. The absurdity of what I was doing struck me in the moment our eyes met…and I laughed.
The air pressure around me shifted and it felt like a Freightliner had been lifted off my chest. I continued laughing and took another step toward her, putting my hand on her arm to steady myself as I doubled over in an attempt to get control of my laughter. God, I was losing it. But then, something unexpected happened. She made a small sound. A sort of huff. Then she did it again. She was laughing with me.
“Who ARE you, little human?”
The next thing I knew, I was enjoying a nice chat with her over a lovely tea and what was undoubtedly the most delicious stew I’d ever eaten.
“No,” she said, in a shocked tone, “she didn’t!”
“Oh, yes. She absolutely did,” I said, tearing off a chunk of bread and dipping it into my stew. “I saw it with my own two eyes.”
She shook her head slowly and then startled me by pounding her fist into the arm of her massive chair.
“That conniving trollop!”
“I know, right? The worst part is, our three-year anniversary was right around the corner. I thought things were going pretty well, you know? I was so shocked when I saw the picture that I didn’t even really react.”
She leaned over and put a sympathetic hand on mine. It felt like it must have weighed 20 pounds, but her skin was surprisingly soft.
“Rocky, I’m so sorry that happened to you. She’s a bitch.”
I smiled and patted the top of her massive hand appreciatively.
“Thanks, Jasmine. That means a lot.”
I paused.
“You know, this has been really nice. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so…at ease. You are a delight, Jasmine. Truly.”
She pulled her hand away and leaned back in her chair. The bright smile on her face revealed her tusks, which were tiny for an orc. They looked like elongated canines that were only visible some of the time.
“Oh, I know,” she said. She played coy at the compliment, but I thought I caught a small blush on her cheeks.
Odd, I thought. She has to have people fawning over her literally all the time, right? Is it the pheromones? I decided that whatever was keeping me in this woman’s good graces, it was probably best not to press my luck much further.
“Well,” I said, wiping my face with a cloth napkin, “I should really get going. I have a long hike back home, and an entire city’s worth of orc townsfolk to evade.”
“That’s probably wise,” she said. “This city can be…less than hospitable to outsiders. Before you go, though, let’s exchange contacts. I definitely need to hear more about this ex-girlfriend of yours.” She paused. “And the cat. Mostly the cat.”
“Contacts? Sorry, I’m still very new to this whole adventuring thing. Are you saying there’s a way for us to talk from a distance?”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“You really tracked Vrk’shryk all the way here, sneaked into the city, listened in on a tribal proving quest debriefing, and found your way into my chambers…and you don’t even know how the messaging system works?”
“Jasmine, I barely know how my own abilities work, at this point. We have a saying back where I come from. ‘I wasn’t born yesterday.’ It’s generally to indicate that you’re not as naive as a newborn baby. Except, in my case, I kind of was actually born yesterday…or wait. No. Damn, I guess it was three days ago, now.”
I smiled at her.
“Time flies when you’re having fun, eh?”
She shook her head again.
“Unbelievable. I have no idea how you’re still alive.”
She held out a hand and pointed her finger at me.
“Here,” she said, “touch.”
I leaned forward and gave her finger a little E.T. boop with my own relatively miniscule index finger. A screen popped up indicating that Jasmine Irontusk would like to add me as a contact. I accepted the request and was immediately redirected to a contacts page in my UI screen.
“There,” she said. “Now you can reach me whenever you want and wherever you may be, and I can do the same. Assuming you make it home alive, of course.”
“Oh, of course. Of course.” I nodded, my face overly serious as I played along with her teasing. The seriousness turned to a smile and I stood up. “This has been a lot of fun, Jasmine. I appreciate you not killing me, and all.”
“Yet,” she said with a smirk. “You never know what tomorrow may bring, Rockland Azariah Hall.”
She used my full, official, government name and for maybe the first time in my life, I didn’t loathe the sound of it. I bowed slightly, smiling, and walked toward the exit. Just as I laid my hand on the doorknob, she spoke one last time.
“Rocky?”
“Yes?” I said, glancing back over my shoulder with a small whisper of trepidation building in the back of my mind.
“Message me to let me know you got home safe, will you?”
“Of course.”
I smiled and laughed inwardly. Some things are just inescapable, I thought. I initiated my Fade ability and took the first step on the long journey back to my safezone. The sun had set, since I’d first entered Jasmine’s quarters. The street lamps of the city emitted a soft, warm glow as the oil lamps flickered their light onto the cobblestone roads. The city was quiet, now. There was no more bustle of people going about their business – the children no longer chased each other through the streets laughing and play fighting. There was just the familiar calm of a city winding down and settling in for the night. Fade would have a much easier time helping me to slip through the streets unnoticed, with so few eyes to divert away from me.
I reached the edge of the city and paused to look up at the stars. It was a beautifully clear night, with only a few wispy clouds hovering in front of the moon. I suspected The System was being artsy again, in secret, and smiled. I took a moment to stretch and limber up for the hike back home. Then, with a glance at my mini map, I charted my course. With a little renewed pep in my step, I started walking.
What a day, I thought. What a life.